Copenhell 2023: A Worthy Sophomore Comeback

Because sometimes, less does it

Everyone I talked to after Copenhell last year – as in every single one – unanimously agreed that Copenhell 2022 was the best one ever. And apart from the impressively star-studded line-up, there were many a good reason for that. Some of which will be repeated here; others, perhaps rather paraphrased here.

While there was no way you could beat last year's headliner entourage of KISS, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, and Metallica, this year's ditto was still solid. At least on paper, and at least if you're into hard rock. But of course you are. Because it's a musical fact that the basic essence of heavy metal is hard rock music. And there's nothing not to like about hard rock music.

… Well, again, at least on paper. Because, to get the biggest criticisms out up front, two veritable hard rock titans of yore, Mötley Crüe and Guns n' Roses, delivered two attempts at shows that will go down as some of the worst ones in Copenhell's otherwise largely untainted history.

Some have said that the former was the festival's worst concert ever. But with Axl Rose wailing at least as hopelessly weak as his colleague Vince Neil, and with G'n'R's set clocking in at +3 painful hours, my vote goes to the latter. However, on the opposite end of the quality spectrum, Def Leppard's razor-sharp sound, superb technical skills, and, not the least, unbeatable back catalog converged in a minor cornucopia of pure magical nostalgia.

In the metal department, those exact same fortunate circumstances went for "Pantera" who, against all imaginable odds, have found a way of replacing the irreplaceable Vinnie Paul and "Dimebag" Darrell (2 x R.I.P.!). And for Slipknot, who, you'd suppose, is one of those groups that are just incapable of putting on a subpar show in spite of any challenge – be it too much daylight, bad sound, or otherwise.

Speaking of bad sound, Brazilian death-thrasher chicks Nervosa were both brutal and convincing in spite of an almost constant ground feed in one spot and way too much treble in another. As were local symphonic blacksters Lamentari – but it turned out you just had to move a coupla meters towards the center of the crowd to get decent sound. Man, the sound crew on that Gehennah stage…

In a case of too much, too early, Testament did what they do best and kicked open the festival's second day in spite of a sparse turnout. Billy Fucking Gibbons let the music speak for itself in a veritable showcase of the very DNA from which festivals like Copenhell have evolved. His younger hard rock blues nephews in Clutch tried doing the same thing on the same stage, but managed to hit an early stagnation point in spite of at least three times as big of a crowd.

Gojira gave an Earth-shattering demonstration of musical nanometer precision that could convince any metalhead, whether into newer, rhythm-based stuff or not. As did their older cousins in Meshuggah. Sick of It All, although in their '50s, stormed around on stage with the energy – and songwriting – of a bunch of hormonal teenagers.

Silly Fishbone both looked and sounded more like a carnival troupe than anything else. But it still wasn't as silly as "Electric Callboy", because nothing is. Or as Angus McSix, but he played a song about a laser-shooting dinosaur, which is awesome no matter how you look at it.

Life of Agony played a bunch of classics and sounded surprisingly like themselves in spite of everything. Aborted played brutal death metal and started circle pits in scorching sunlight. It wasn't memorable, but it was hella brutal, which is awesome no matter how you look at it. And Ghost played a bunch of songs and threw around a bunch of confetti. It was somewhat entertaining.

Oh yeah, and I tried to watch Zeal & Ardor, whom everyone said played a fantastic concert. I actually really tried my damnedest – but I was simply too drunk. Yeah, gotta have one of those miss-out shows; otherwise it's not a proper festival.

Something I love about Copenhell – shit, it's a huge part of why I go there at all – is to run into people I've known since decades ago, but rarely run into. So there was a guy I hadn't seen in 6 years. Another I hadn't seen in 12 years. Another, for even longer. And then, of course, there's the whole regular crew of acquaintances, friends (of friends), and just plain strangers that you talk to as if you'd known each other for years.

That last point is worth dwelling upon. One friend, whose crew was kinda dissolving, had been walking around more on her own this year, striking up conversations with complete strangers. She was surprised at how easy it was, and how natural it felt. And I agree 100%. They say that "strangers are just friends you haven't met yet", and if that saying has ever had any truth to it, metal festivals, and not the least of all Copenhell, is where that saying has its merit. Compared to other Danish festivals, it's notoriously the most peaceful and friendly one.

All this doesn't mean that shit didn't happen. As I also rightly pointed out in a couple of reviews already, transportation to the festival during the daytime was atrocious. I was late for two concerts – important ones – and I spent around an hour of my life just standing around and waiting. Making the best of it by talking to those aforementioned kind strangers around me who were in the same situation, sure. But that doesn't compensate.

As I understood it, the local bus company had failed to supply the extra shuttle buses they were supposed to. Well, tens of thousands of people had to go out there every day. If I've been waiting for an hour in total, how many other thousands and thousands of people had to wait even longer?

How many people didn't see shows that they paid good money for? How many tens of thousands of hours of human life did a couple of dipshits waste because they were too incompetent to do their jobs? If anyone involved is reading this, do you realize what we can do with 10.000 hours? Do you see the implications here?

Anyway. The weather was nice – Hell, beautiful at times – except for Friday, where hurricane-strength gusts allegedly blew down a big-screen monitor during the Napalm Death show, and people had to be evacuated from the festival's own natural seating area (Copenhill, anyone?). And the Architects concert got canceled. Not that it bothered me; I was sitting in my hostel getting shit done, having missed out on the day's early shows because they were too early.

Anyone from management taking notes here? I mean, the weather can't be helped, but taking notes about those early shows? Gonna do anything about that? Because as I've said already, Testament were on too damn early as well. And I'm not just saying that because my hangovers are getting worse. Shit, on the contrary, I carry my hangovers like a fucking boss. But 13:30 is too goddamn early no matter how you look at it.

And also, the equivalent of almost €8 is too expensive for a pint no matter how you look at it. Yes, I know this is a festival. Yes, I know inflation is everywhere at the moment. And yes, I know Copenhagen is one of the most expensive cities in the world. But I spent the equivalent of several hundreds of Euros on beer alone – not counting food – during four days.

And if someone from management is reading this with dollar signs in their eyes, congratulations: You're part of the problem. Because apparently, people are talking about this. Not in terms of inflation; not in terms of Denmark being expensive, but in terms of Copenhell being expensive. Even for a festival.

Fortunately, I'm dirty rotten filthy stinking rich, so what do I care? But if you wanna keep on attracting a younger audience so you can have people coming through those gates every year on an indefinite basis, you gotta make it financially viable for that younger generation. Because the metal is strong with those. And time was, Roskilde Festival managed to find a way of selling relatively affordable beer both at their camping and festival areas. So don't tell me there's not a way.

Anywoohoo. All this being said, Copenhell is still the coolest place in town. Any time of year. I know there's a lot of money going into making it that way since it's a LiveNation event (which also explains the relatively steep profit margin), but it is money well invested. Both in terms of lineup, setup, decorations, PR, and cool add-ons like the role-playing and all-round geek area Copenhell Con, this year featuring, among a whole bunch of live podcasts and shit, none other than Corey fucking Taylor. Shoulda been there for that.

In any case, it's hella cool to have something like Copenhell in lil' ol' Denmark. I used to swear by the yearly Wacken pilgrimage… But going hundreds of miles to a rainy mudfield in the middle of nowhere when you can get your metal festival on in wonderful Copenhagen?

Yeah, let's just do the latter.

See you next year, fam.

Rating: 5 out of 6

Genre: Metal / hard rock
Dates: June 14th, 15th, 16th, and 17th, 2023
Location: Refshaleøen, Copenhagen, Denmark
Website: https://www.copenhell.dk/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/copenhell/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/copenhell
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCjjILflDhuj54AADluKwSLA