Austrian Death Machine – "Quad Brutal"

Rise of the machines, anyone??

When Tim Lambesis from supposedly equal parts Christian and uninteresting jock metal outfit As I Lay Dying unleashed his Schwarzenegger-tribute-comedy-solo-project Austrian Death Machine, it was a fresh little breeze in a scene that, although not having gotten stale yet, still needed one such breeeze. While featuring no future classics by any stretch, and while perhaps also leaving some potential by the wayside, his debut "Total Brutal" (2008) hit a sweet spot between solid thrashcore, Pablo Francisco-style Arnie impersonations, and a buncha moderately catchy tunes, even.

Since then – and before serving two years until parole release upon hiring a hitman to wack his ex-wife – Lambesis released a second and third ADM album. And now, also a fourth one. And while I haven't heard the two previous ones, I'm just gonna suppose that they didn't exactly bring anything new to the table in terms of either musical creativity or elaboration on the narrow concept. But this one totally does!

… Expect, no. It doesn't.

We're off to a somewhat decent start with the huge fanfare intro of "No Pain No Gain" segueing into cool, relatively downtempo thrash. But the vocals are too far in front of the guitars in the mix. And then, as you'd expect, a predictable half-time bridge presents a predictable melodic, clean-vocal chorus. And it wouldn't be all bad if not for the fact that those clean vocals sound like autotune. Fuck you, hitman-hiring Jesus jock.

The blast-speed uptempo "Conquer" is way more fresh at face value. But again, we're off into that hackneyed half-time high-school territory sounding like In Flames about half an hour before a horde of spoiled American teenagers started forming bands based on ripping them off indiscriminately.

If this had been released 20 years ago, it would've been hella rad. 15 years ago, it would've still been somewhat cool. Even 10 years ago, it could've been acceptable. But the party's over.

This tendency is largely symptomatic of the album. "Everybody Pities the Weak" and "Hey Bro Can You Spot Me?" features some damn solid thrash riffs. But again in the latter, there's that unremitting half-time-clean-vocal chorus. And this time, it fucking stinks of autotune. Goddammit, I don't know the story behind the whole hitman/ex-wife deal, so I'd even be willing to grant Lambesis some benefit of the doubt on that one. But autotune, no matter the context and motivation, is inexcusable. Yes, I just made that comparison. I rock.

Random positive qualities: "Judgment Day" has some Meshuggah vibes going for it. Towards the end, "MeatGrinder" excels by NOT featuring a goddamn pop melody. And the blast-y conclusion "I Never Quit", also featuring some sick drum fills, bitchingly incorporates natural harmonics as a part of the guitar figure. But those of us who've long witnessed metalcore grow up and grow old have long started to zone out at this point. If this had been released 20 years ago, it would've been hella rad. 15 years ago, it would've still been somewhat cool. Even 10 years ago, it could've been acceptable. But the party's over.

I know, I know: It's all just supposed to be a joke, and we're not supposed to take it seriously. But this particular creative expression happens to be realized through the medium of music, and I'm only evaluating it as such. And waddya know, it's actually possible to create a bulletproof synergy between music that's true to its roots AND be hella funny at the same time – like Steel Panther did on their first albums before that joke got old as well. And if the joke that is ADM hadn't gotten old until now, it now officially has.

If you're letting autotune into metal, you're contributing to giving metal cancer. Or, in this case, doing the equivalent of hiring a hitman with AIDS to have unprotected sex with metal so it can wither away and die slowly and painfully.

In spite of everything, I was thinking of giving "Quad Brutal" a 3/6 rating for the amount of decent metal that's on here after all. But given the autotune features, brief and few as they may be, I cannot defend doing that. Why is it that we incarcerate people for second-hand murder of 1/8.000.000.000 of the human species, but gladly accept and even reward first-hand murder of fucking music?? Autotune is the antithesis to everything that metal ever stood for. Autotune is the musical equivalent of cancer.

I am dead serious. If you're letting autotune into metal, you're contributing to giving metal cancer. Or, in this case, doing the equivalent of hiring a hitman with AIDS to have unprotected sex with metal so it can wither away and die slowly and painfully.

Sentence of the year, right there.

Rating: 2.5 out of 6

Genre: Metalcore / thrash metal
Release date: 23/2/2024
Label: Napalm Records
Producer: Tim Lambesis